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Fleet Bank Introduces More Evil Fees

Fleet Bank, the evilest bank in New England, announced new fees today to its already downtrodden and fleeced customers. The first of the fees will be the "Aesthetic Enjoyment Fee" for customers (and non-customers) who merely look at a Fleet Bank as they go by it; they will issued a 75 cent charge. "We spend a lot of money on landscaping, paint, and signage and we think that its only fair that people pay for the privilege to see such a wonderful display that took a lot of effort. If people don't like it, by all means, don't look at our bank," explained extremely rich Fleet Chairman, Terry Murray. The fee is waived for those with more than 39 thousand dollars in checking. Fleet's Evil Billboard

The more nefarious fee is known as the "Fleet Thoughtwave Fee". A charge of one dollar will be billed for anyone who even thinks about Fleet Bank in any way shape or form. Fleet will have a team of psychics constantly scanning the thoughtwaves of the population in New England and will issue a bill for those who think about the bank. "This is a real moneymaker for us that we are really excited about," gushed Murray. "We own naming rights to the arena where the Bruins and Celtics play, and we also have a big sign over the Green Monster at Fenway Park, so lots of people are sure to think about us very often!"

Print ads and commercials will literally pay for themselves as this massive bank institutes a scheme that government agencies seem unwilling or unable to stop. "Look, we live in a capitalist country, and Fleet is just exercising their right to make money," explained Massachusetts Attorney General Tom Reilly, seconds before stepping onto his yacht, The Fleet Kickback. "By the way, you looked at my boat, I think you owe Fleet a buck," explained Reilly.



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